asongwithin | Duplicity Inbox

[ Strange, isn't it? How talking can somehow be more intimate than telepathy. More of a... trust fall in a way.

Goes with being more work, probably.

The laughs nice, though and gets a smile out of him, lightens up what he says (and doesn't) some.]

Define normal....

[ He has doubts. ]

Actually, define back.

Edited 2022-02-05 23:24 (UTC)

[ She opens her mouth, and then closes it. Both of those are good questions.

As she thinks, her shoelaces start unweaving again, but she doesn't look away this time.

By the time she speaks, she's onto the other boot. ]

I don't think I ever really understood what it was like. You thinking I was dead, and having to live with that. Having to move on with your life, to...redefine what that meant. [ She reaches up, slowly, to trace the line of his jaw. ] It was like someone had ripped my heart out and I had to just...just keep going without it, somehow.

[ She managed, more or less; took six months to herself, learning to breathe through it, before rejoining the X-Men because of course she did. But she never quite felt whole; not as Jean, not as Phoenix. ]

I thought having you back would mean...knowing how to be happy again. Like when were kids, and we had the whole world in front of us. Like when we got married, because we believed in a future we could share together.

[ Jean and Scott, Cyclops and Phoenix, heart of the X-Men. ]

But then - there you were, right next to me, and I still couldn't reach you.

[ He shifts his weight - folds one leg under him, turns toward her on the sofa to make it easier for her to touch him, and him to see her. Good position for him to idly twirl the ends of her hair around his fingers, too, while he reaches for words.]

There was...

I don't want it to sound like I'm making excuses. [ I take full responsibility. More appropriate here, though.] I don't think who you were reaching for was even there Jean. Not just the kids we were but the man who died.

[ Hear me, X-Men! No longer am I the woman you knew!

Looking back, she wonders how the hell she missed it. Not that the experience had changed him - of course it had - but how deep it went, how lost he was.

Quietly, a bit teasingly - ]

Please. You've never made an excuse in your life.

[ Her hand fingers trace upwards again, lingering next to his glasses. To the reason he's spent the vast majority of his life so terrified of losing control. ]

You should have tried harder to tell me, and I should have tried harder to listen.

[ He actively relaxes at the touch, all the way up to the edges of his glasses and even then he just sort of frowns in a 'what are you doing' mildly uncomfortable expression.

...One other person in existence who wouldn't get a really nasty response to that, and they're not in Duplicity. ]

I should have - and it should probably have been the end of our marriage. Or, I guess based on what the future seems to hold opened it. Which might have given us enough space to save it.

[ He doesn't sound... terribly upset, actually, which is saying something. In truth, he's not - about any of it. He loves her. He will always love her. He felt guilty as fuck about a lot of things involving Emma.

But he doesn't for one second regret her.

Hell, he has more regrets about things he didn't do - and Jean didn't do than what they did.

He is also pointedly, carefully, not thinking much about what came before that. Not beyond 'not the same'. It's been a long time. He will still lose his shit if that's pushed too hard. ]

Open it to Emma?

[ Not so long ago, that would have sounded bitter, scornful, confused. There's still a pained edged to it, and echo of that betrayed fury, but mostly she sounds wistfully tender. ]

I never got a chance to tell you - when I put her back together, I could feel it, feel all of it.

[ Her hand is drifting up, now, to tangle gently in his hair. ]

She loves you so damn much.

[ So much of her anger had come from the assumption that Emma was taking advantage, playing with his feelings. Causing trouble just because she could. ]

I actually meant both of them - or neither of them.

[ But he's -- he's laughing, not at her but at the gentle tangle of fingers in her hair and that last statement, because. Just because it's funny in a very strange way. One he recognizes that he should need reassuring but on that... he just doesn't. He leans into her hand and tugs gently on the ends of her hair. ]

Probably not right now, but I know. [ Always, always, always. ] She was not happy about that for a while.

[ He loves her. He can't not. Then the laughter and smile fade. ]

I still haven't actually managed to say what I should have said years ago. [ And he still doesnt want to. So listen because he won't manage this twice. ]

Edited 2022-02-06 01:00 (UTC)

[ Not right now, and she knows exactly why that is. At least Scott can't feel the flare of frustrated guilt that isn't quite hers, though it shows in a slight grimace.

She has to wonder about Emma and Scott in Krakoa. Emma and her. Finding peace, maybe, or even -

Anyway. ]

I'm listening, Scott.

[ Emma and what he did there is complicated. Because it's one of those things that he doesn't like and really, really doesn't like himself for--

but can't really regret, either.

And it's really not where his mind is right now. Well, not where most of his mind is.]

At the time, it felt like I should have 'handled' Apocalypse like you did Phoenix. Like we both thought there should be some common ground in the loss of control and guilt to meet on. I couldn't find it and felt like I was failing because I could not just come back.

Having recently been given a basis for direct comparison - No, Jean. Even Dark, even terrifying and terrible, Phoenix is an elemental force. Apocalypse was evil. I wanted to die for what I did when I lost control of her, but I felt contaminated after Apocalypse and that was... I didn't handle that well. [ Could not stand the thought of her anywhere near him, really. ]

Edited 2022-02-06 01:59 (UTC)

[ Her expression remains tender, as she gazes up at him, but her lips thin and her hand tightens in his hair for a moment.

There are few things in this universe she hates more than Apocalypse. That should have made it easier to see what was happening, what he couldn't tell her. ]

Phoenix can be corrupted. Apocalypse is corruption.

[ It's easy enough, looking back, to say he should have talked more to Logan, should have talked to Warren - but then, they were busy, weren't they? They were always too damned busy. ]

Honestly, it... [ She hesitates, here, because she's delving into memories that aren't quite hers, that hurt for other reasons. ] It reminds me me more of what Mastermind did to Phoenix. Of what those demons did to Madelyne.

Edited 2022-02-06 02:15 (UTC)

[ There are points in his life when her tightening her hand like that would have turned him on. Now it just makes him refocus his attention on the present moment. ]

It reminds me of a few things, and to be frank it doesn't really matter beyond understanding what was happening with us and why and me making very clear to you that it was never a lack of love.

[ Shutting the conversation down? A little. Mostly because he will climb out of his skin if he emotionally focuses on that - or things it reminds him of - too hard. Fearless leader, get your head together, etc. Exceptions are made to make her understand and say what he's wanted to say to her, and only been able to say to a grave.

Think about Maddy too long and - Okay no that'd still be easier than anything with Apocalypse Everything (nearly) is easier than that. Some of the Phoenix and deaths... are harder. It's complicated. ]

And I'm not upset about you and Logan now.

Edited 2022-02-06 11:30 (UTC)

[ With a crooked little smile: ]

No. Lack of trust, maybe, but I had that too.

[ It all seems...very stupid, in retrospect. Not bearing the idea of being small or broken or tainted or in any way less in their own goddamn bedroom. ]

When did you stop being upset?

[ He gives a softly amused snort. ] In retrospect, about the time Logan and I started using you as some sort of weapon to hurt each other with. [ Can't do that if you don't at least acknowledge something was there. ] Consciously? Almost the second Logan told me what was going on when he was from. More so when I saw you.

[ Her eyebrows arch, and her tone turns wry and weary. ]

Yeah, I saw some of that. [ A purposeful tug on his hair, this time. ] Idiots.

[ She saw some of -

Of course she did. ]

Keep pulling my hair, Jean, and you're going to get us arrested.

[ Also wry but in his case also dry. Not denying the idiots thing though because. Well. Look, he and Logan do what they do. It... doesn't not work at all? Kinda? ]

[ If they're going to use her as a prop in their aggressive sexual confusion she'd at least prefer to be there to enjoy it!

...Yeah, that thought strikes and she cheeks darken in a distinct blush.

As she resists the urge to tug his hair again. ]

So as a complete non-sequitur: do you think they've got cameras in here?

[ Look how convincing she is. The smoothest criminal. ]

[ Scott... pulls her hair, instead. Look, he's got his fingers wrapped up in it and also--

He's laughing at the blush and question. It's just a really great combination.]

Probably. Do I think they have the staff and hours to monitor that much footage just in case? No.

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